It's an overwhelmingly good feeling to know that there are a few people I can count on, no matter what. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. And sometimes I want to ask the other people what the hell their problem is. I think for now I'll focus on the former.

1-2-3-4

A little better. The weekend was intense and rough, but immensely helpful. The weather has finally cooled off, too.

Feeling Lost and Found

When I first got to Freiburg, three years ago to the day, I watched this music video over and over again for at least the first month:


And I guess tonight I'm feeling pretty much the same way. I thought then that eventually it would get easier, even though I knew it wouldn't. But it did and it didn't.

It was always this weekend in college and even grad school when I'd go home. Ken just called and I got to talk to him for a long time. He's doing really well and we exchanged some baking recipes. I'm visiting Betsy in DC in October and going home for Thanksgiving. Last night I dreamt that my mom and I were in a park, maybe a rest stop, and she told me that I had to take her plane and fly it to DC. I don't remember flying the plane there, but I remember trying to land and thinking that I didn't know the first thing about landing a plane. I also knew that I wasn't allowed to fly in DC's airspace and I didn't want to scare everyone. I also had no idea where Reagan airport was, except that it's along the Potomac. So I landed the plane on the shoulder of the highway and asked the police to help me to the airport. Then I needed to get to the hotel to meet my mom and I knew it was at the Marriott, but DC has an awful lot of Marriotts and I didn't know which it was. See? Feeling lost and found big time. I kind of can't wait for Christmas.

It's not that things are bad. That's not it at all. I suppose it's more the anticipation of what's on the other side of the hill and concern for the same sorts of heartaches and disappointments, but also terrific experiences cropping up. In general I'm more about the Erfahrung than the Erlebnis.

Here's evidence of how good things really are. We had a birthday party for Sam last night and despite my recent baking funk, my desserts turned out quite well. What's more important, though, is that Sam and everyone gathered together, shared a ton of food, and had a good time. (Well, minus the poor little match girl, jk jk). And the fastest way to make myself at home is to try to make other people feel at home, too.

Chocolate Salted Caramel Cupcakes

Lemon Mascarpone Cream Cake

Tough, but good.

Wrapped Up in Books

Yipes, it's hard to believe that I'm finishing up the third week of the semester. So far, so good. The teaching has been going well, I think/hope, and I'm feeling more confident each class. I'm no pro, but I have a really good group of kids who make me laugh and I enjoy the material. I just discovered that next semester I'll be teaching logic, which is a semi-radial departure from what I'm teaching now, but I think it will be a good challenge. Is it crazy that the first thing I thought was that my 10am assigned teaching time was too late in the day? Probably!

Maybe a quick re-cap of the end of summer and beginning of school is in order? It was hectic for sure. Let's see. We had a pizza party with some friends and I got to try out my new baking stone. I was impressed! I also had a major fail with photographing the lemon tart. I was trying to carry it into the dining room where the light is better, but the tart pan started to slide off the cooling rack and in trying to prevent the whole thing from crashing to the floor, I managed to shove my brand new camera into the middle of the tart. But! I saved them both.

Everyone loves pizza.

I had some misadventures with sourdough. The taste was quite good, but the execution was, well, bizarre.

I went to Omaha for a wedding.

I spent some time with Andrew and started teaching.

I went to St. Paul to see Ken off as he joins the Jesuit noviate. It was great fun to see him and my parents and to see where he's going to be for the next two years. I'm super proud of him.

Things I'm working on now? I'm applying to be in Freiburg again next year for research for my dissertation. The thought is exciting and makes me want to throw up. I feel way too young to be writing a dissertation. And part of me is super tired of leaving and starting over. But I love Freiburg and I'll be coming back to Atlanta and I don't even know yet if I'll be there, so there's no real point in getting worked up about it now. In the meantime I'm reading lots of stuff on play and space and my ideas are coming together, I think. I had some more baking misadventures this past weekend, so I want to work on becoming a better baker. Betsy and I have decided that the only possible future for us is to open a bakery, specifically a cupcake shop. It is quite possible that cupcakes will be passe by the time we get to it, but we will make good stuff no matter what. I still haven't touched the quilt top I made this summer, so it'd be a big improvement if I got around to that. I'm also trying (maybe not as intentionally as I should be) to be more charitable and less territorial. This has come up a lot the past few days and I'm quick to blame it on my being a middle child. And while I can't fix my birth order, I sure can fix my attitude. Or at least I can learn to hide my expressions better. I'm trying to push myself more in general, from wearing jewelry to participating in class. I think teaching has been pretty great for that. So, ta-da, it's a new year!

I saw the first red leaves of the season. Fall can't come soon enough.

So this is the new year

Since my birthday is in August, the occasion has always marked the end of summer and the beginning of school. Most years, in fact, my presents have tended to be school supplies (only exacerbating the middle child syndrome). And for this reason, my birthday has also tended to be anxiety inducing. Suddenly summer is over and I haven't gotten everything done that I wanted to do and the excitement and nervousness for the new school year is creeping in more quickly than I'd like. 


This birthday, though, seems to have been just the ticket to stave off those feelings for a little bit. I got to go back to St. Louis to see my family, minus Betsy, and my friends, minus a few. I ate a ton, laughed a lot, saw my favorite places, and got to feel a little more like myself. I purchased a new camera, which I find more than a little exciting. Back in Atlanta, I was surprised by sweet presents from Andrew and celebrated with my friends there. I also made a delicious 1-2-3-4 Lemon Cake with Swiss Meringue Buttercream. It's the same cake that I made for my 23rd birthday, but I think this one was more successful. It's hard to believe that I'm 25 already, but I think it's going to be a good year. Andrew and I are seeing King Lear tonight, Betsy and I are planning an extensive vacation, I'll be teaching my own class, and I'll be finishing my own coursework. Yipes! But good. 

Do something pretty while you can

I had this big post that I’ve been writing in my head all summer and it seems that now that I’ve gotten around to posting it, I’m over it. But basically the gist is that I need to remember that I am large and contain multitudes and need to yawp once in a while. Furthermore, I don’t have to have myself figured out just yet. Seriously. Most of this is due to an extremely oppressive sense of claustrophobia here when I feel like all I can or should do in Atlanta is philosophy. And that, my friends, is just plain false. Also false is that these things can only be done in the summer. So! Going into this school year I’m determined to keep doing something pretty while I can. I have a good sense that my sewing projects will get ignored since my desk is now in use for reading and writing and not sewing. But I can still do lots of baking (even if this latest attempt at sourdough was a total flop, literally) and I’ve taken great delight recently in preparing meals for my friends. This means, too, that I’ll hold myself a little more accountable with this blog business.

For now, though, some pictures of what I’ve been up to this summer. More to come, I promise. And I mean it this time. 

fingers of prurient philosophers

I just pulled out our textbook from senior year Lit with Mrs. C. because I wanted to see about using one of the short stories for my ethics class last semester. So sweet to open it up to this:





O sweet spontaneous


O sweet spontaneous
earth how often have
the 
doting


fingers of
prurient philosophers pinched
and
poked


thee
, has the naughty thumb
of science prodded
thy


beauty, how
often have religious taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and


buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
gods
(but
true


to the incomparable
couch of death thy
rhythmic
lover


thou answerest


them only with


spring)


ee cummings




It's drizzling now and the crocuses are already starting to come up. Yesterday Julia and I sat outside and went for a nice, long walk. Sam and I ate outside, too, and talked about Rausch. I'll be home in two weeks. Oh, spring! I love it.