The Ludic Turn

Well, the new year is off to a pretty good start, I think. I rang it in in traditional fashion with my oldest and closest friends and got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my parents. The past week has been bizarre. I had no idea how incapable the area is of dealing with ice and snow. It was cute at first, but then it got old pretty quickly. I did enjoy the walks to Andrew's or even just down the street to get me out of the house for a while. And I do love winter. But I'm finding that I'm increasingly growing tired of Atlanta. There's still nothing I can specifically put my finger on, but it just isn't me. In Missouri and Kansas, though, I instantly knew that that was where I belonged at that very moment. Someday, maybe.

But! I am still happy to be back with the people here and I am eager to get the semester started. I think teaching logic will go well. Here's hoping, at least! I bought some paperwhite bulbs for my desk, too. They likely won't bloom until the ones outdoors do since I have poor timing, but it's still something encouraging to look at. I started reading Sutton-Smith's The Ambiguity of Play and was incredibly excited because he refers to the concept of the ludic turn that he seems happening withing art and literature in the twentieth century. In my mind I've been calling my project a characterization of the ludic turn in philosophy, which is contemporary with where Sutton-Smith identifies it in other disciplines, so I'm stoked to have resources and perhaps a more crystallized sense of direction. I have to defend a dissertation prospectus at the end of August. BARF.

The thing is, though, is that I'd like this to be a sort of ludic turn for myself, too. For being so fascinated with the subject, I am not especially good at it. But as I've discovered thus far, usually the people who are experts on a topic are not experts on it in practice. Still, though, I'd like to shift away from insissting that the spectator holds this esteemed and necessary position. I mean, it is true. But a I've used it to rationalize for too long and a spectator need only be a spectator. For one thing, I just committed to joining this blogging group: French Fridays with Dorie. Mary got me Dorie Greenspan's Around My French Table for Christmas and I've already made and photographed a  few of the recipes, so there's nothing keeping me from blogging about it, too. I read thousands of blogs everyday and never comment and never post, so it's about damn time I jump in. And now that I've said it out loud, I'm held to it. It will be fun! A start, at least. The recipe for this week is a double chocolate mousse cake. I don't think anyone will complain about that. 

It shook out their hearts, the yellow leaves

More opportunities have been presenting themselves and I'm planning to take them on. It's a good feeling. They distract me from my more pressing work, but they also remind me of why I'm in this. The weather has been just beautiful. My bread turned out right (almost) for the first time. I'll be home in just a few days and I cannot wait. It's funny how little it feels like November. I remember that poem I wrote in Mr. Begley's freshman lit class about how I was the only one I knew who liked November. It's true, although I think I could get used to this one.

New World

This past week was quite busy and hectic, which has proven to be standard for this semester, and for more than a few moments I was quite convinced that I wouldn't make it. But I did. And it turned out to be quite better than anticipated and restored a good bit of my self-confidence.

Monday was the deadline for my DAAD application and through several errors on my end, I realized I was missing key components of the application just a few days before it was due. Thankfully I learned I could have a little more faith in others and a little more faith in myself and I managed to have everything completed in the time. Whew. It felt good to be done with it and good, too, that I put together something that I think is actually viable.

However, because I had been overly ambitious and decided to present a paper for the grad students on Friday, it meant I didn't really get to relax. It wasn't a paper I was particularly excited about. Well, that's not true. It wasn't something I was particularly about presenting. But I think the reception of it was decent and there were good comments and suggestions. I at least didn't puke on anyone.

And then something really exciting happened. The abstract I submitted to a conference on the philosophy of play was accepted. I am more than stoked. Working on my DAAD application really crystallized that this is, in fact, the direction I want to go and the chance to go this conference (in England!) sealed the deal. Well, perhaps that's premature, but for now I'm stoked.

Andrew's birthday isn't until December, but I wanted to get him tickets to the symphony and couldn't pass up the opportunity to see Itzhak Perlman play and conduct, so his birthday present ended up being about a month early. We made a pretty delicious beforehand. I got some tenderloin steaks and made the port sauce for them that I'd used on the roasts for Christmas and New Year's last year. It made me awfully, awfully homesick but it was worth it. We also made some scalloped potatoes and dates stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in prosciutto. Talk about rich! And, you know, for a light dessert I'd made peanut butter bars that were basically extra-fudgey brownies topped with peanut butter frosting and chocolate ganache. I couldn't handle more than a bite, but Andrew and Sam went to town on them. The symphony itself was quite wonderful. We had good seats and the performance was fantastic. Perlman's playing is so easy and so lovely, plus he was wearing a suit with polka dots on it while also playing and conducting at the same time. And he got a standing ovation at the intermission! I've never seen that before. The second half was Dvorak's "New World Symphony" and most likely one of the best performances I've heard of it. The only thing is that the Mozart was pretty forgettable after the Dvorak, but that's not to say it was bad. Perlman came back on stage thrice at the end. Impressive. My third date with Andrew was to the symphony, where we saw Dvorak's 8th symphony performed, so I was tickled to be coming back to see the 9th. Then we ended up at the bar where we'd had our first date. It was just all around such a pleasant evening and filled with my favorite things and so much fun to spend the evening out with Andrew. I'm pretty sure he liked it, too. And this picture really cracks me up.

I started listening to Christmas music today. I couldn't help myself. I'm homesick and it's finally cold here and I really love Christmas! I haven't been home since June, so I'm more than a little over eager. Eee! I broke down and bought sourdough starter from King Arthur since mine never quite worked, so I hope to be baking more bread now. November is typically a rough month for school, but if the semester hasn't broken my spirit yet, it doesn't stand a chance now. Here's hoping!

It's an overwhelmingly good feeling to know that there are a few people I can count on, no matter what. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. And sometimes I want to ask the other people what the hell their problem is. I think for now I'll focus on the former.

1-2-3-4

A little better. The weekend was intense and rough, but immensely helpful. The weather has finally cooled off, too.

Feeling Lost and Found

When I first got to Freiburg, three years ago to the day, I watched this music video over and over again for at least the first month:


And I guess tonight I'm feeling pretty much the same way. I thought then that eventually it would get easier, even though I knew it wouldn't. But it did and it didn't.

It was always this weekend in college and even grad school when I'd go home. Ken just called and I got to talk to him for a long time. He's doing really well and we exchanged some baking recipes. I'm visiting Betsy in DC in October and going home for Thanksgiving. Last night I dreamt that my mom and I were in a park, maybe a rest stop, and she told me that I had to take her plane and fly it to DC. I don't remember flying the plane there, but I remember trying to land and thinking that I didn't know the first thing about landing a plane. I also knew that I wasn't allowed to fly in DC's airspace and I didn't want to scare everyone. I also had no idea where Reagan airport was, except that it's along the Potomac. So I landed the plane on the shoulder of the highway and asked the police to help me to the airport. Then I needed to get to the hotel to meet my mom and I knew it was at the Marriott, but DC has an awful lot of Marriotts and I didn't know which it was. See? Feeling lost and found big time. I kind of can't wait for Christmas.

It's not that things are bad. That's not it at all. I suppose it's more the anticipation of what's on the other side of the hill and concern for the same sorts of heartaches and disappointments, but also terrific experiences cropping up. In general I'm more about the Erfahrung than the Erlebnis.

Here's evidence of how good things really are. We had a birthday party for Sam last night and despite my recent baking funk, my desserts turned out quite well. What's more important, though, is that Sam and everyone gathered together, shared a ton of food, and had a good time. (Well, minus the poor little match girl, jk jk). And the fastest way to make myself at home is to try to make other people feel at home, too.

Chocolate Salted Caramel Cupcakes

Lemon Mascarpone Cream Cake

Tough, but good.

Wrapped Up in Books

Yipes, it's hard to believe that I'm finishing up the third week of the semester. So far, so good. The teaching has been going well, I think/hope, and I'm feeling more confident each class. I'm no pro, but I have a really good group of kids who make me laugh and I enjoy the material. I just discovered that next semester I'll be teaching logic, which is a semi-radial departure from what I'm teaching now, but I think it will be a good challenge. Is it crazy that the first thing I thought was that my 10am assigned teaching time was too late in the day? Probably!

Maybe a quick re-cap of the end of summer and beginning of school is in order? It was hectic for sure. Let's see. We had a pizza party with some friends and I got to try out my new baking stone. I was impressed! I also had a major fail with photographing the lemon tart. I was trying to carry it into the dining room where the light is better, but the tart pan started to slide off the cooling rack and in trying to prevent the whole thing from crashing to the floor, I managed to shove my brand new camera into the middle of the tart. But! I saved them both.

Everyone loves pizza.

I had some misadventures with sourdough. The taste was quite good, but the execution was, well, bizarre.

I went to Omaha for a wedding.

I spent some time with Andrew and started teaching.

I went to St. Paul to see Ken off as he joins the Jesuit noviate. It was great fun to see him and my parents and to see where he's going to be for the next two years. I'm super proud of him.

Things I'm working on now? I'm applying to be in Freiburg again next year for research for my dissertation. The thought is exciting and makes me want to throw up. I feel way too young to be writing a dissertation. And part of me is super tired of leaving and starting over. But I love Freiburg and I'll be coming back to Atlanta and I don't even know yet if I'll be there, so there's no real point in getting worked up about it now. In the meantime I'm reading lots of stuff on play and space and my ideas are coming together, I think. I had some more baking misadventures this past weekend, so I want to work on becoming a better baker. Betsy and I have decided that the only possible future for us is to open a bakery, specifically a cupcake shop. It is quite possible that cupcakes will be passe by the time we get to it, but we will make good stuff no matter what. I still haven't touched the quilt top I made this summer, so it'd be a big improvement if I got around to that. I'm also trying (maybe not as intentionally as I should be) to be more charitable and less territorial. This has come up a lot the past few days and I'm quick to blame it on my being a middle child. And while I can't fix my birth order, I sure can fix my attitude. Or at least I can learn to hide my expressions better. I'm trying to push myself more in general, from wearing jewelry to participating in class. I think teaching has been pretty great for that. So, ta-da, it's a new year!

I saw the first red leaves of the season. Fall can't come soon enough.